There are certain “set pieces,” or repetitive scripts that become a part of every Rabbi’s life. This comes under the heading of REALLY telling tales out of school. Each of us clergy-people brings a certain formula into play when confronted by different cycle of life circumstances.
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Rabbi Jonathan P. Kendall
I attended the funeral last month for a woman my age. This, alone, has a way of bringing one’s own mortality into sharp focus. Still, circumstances were decidedly different. This individual, the sister of a member, was developmentally challenged. Chronologically, she was sixty-five. Intellectually and emotionally, she was pegged at between 4 and 5.
Rabbi Jonathan P. Kendall, Rabbi Emeritus, Temple Beit HaYam
Several years ago I was asked to perform the wedding ceremony for an old friend’s daughter in Los Angeles. I flew in to San Diego a few days early so that I might visit a fellow I had known sometime in the past. We had worked together years before and shared some pretty remarkable experiences. His wife left him and he had moved to El Sauzal in Baja California – about ten miles north of Ensenada on the Carretera Transpeninsular. It was a pretty drive from Tijuana south along what seemed to alternate between Highway 1 and Highway 1D. The striking scenery along this coastal route kept me from focusing on the purpose of my visit.
Who among us is not familiar with the faith-filled words of Job who, in the midst of crushing despair and loss, utters the famous line, “The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away; blessed be the Name of the Lord?”
Several of my friends who are also caregivers for their elderly parents to one degree or another, kept telling me that I needed to have “the talk” with my parents. “The talk” was a discussion with Dad and Mom about end-of-life and funeral planning issues. Ideally, this makes perfect sense, but I can’t even begin to tell you how much I dreaded this, as well as not having a clue on how to start a seemingly very delicate conversation. It felt painful and frightening as well as disrespectful – as if anticipating something might happen soon.
One friend suggested a “matter-of-fact” approach, as she is that kind of person. Another had the discussion in the hospital with an extremely ill parent. A third suggested saying I had read something on the internet talking about end of life planning … Point blank, contrived or in extremis, none of these felt comfortable. I wasn’t sure if it was my fears, fears about my parent’s fears or some combination that was holding me back.
Interestingly (and much to my relief), they brought it up themselves one afternoon recently. Their wishes were simple and touchingly sweet.
However, as this is a topic of much discussion, what is the best way to approach this experience? Not everyone is lucky enough to have their parents initiate the conversation. What didn’t work? There are many of us out there who could benefit by your experience.
