Why is God so deeply aggrieved in the portion of the Torah known as Shlach Lecha?  He is incensed, livid.  His anger is almost overwhelming.  God is disgusted with the people and His disappointment goes to His core.  We often back away from anthropomorphizing God, but we can learn much from God’s anger in Shlach Lecha. What cuts so deeply?

In Numbers 14.11 we hear the anguished God preparing to lash out.  God asks Moses:

“Why do the people despise me?  Why don’t they believe in me, despite all the signs of my presence I have shown them?”

God is disappointment is palpable. Why didn’t the people believe in Him?  This begs the question of us:  What do we believe in?

Many have studied the words Shlach Lecha, God directing Moses to “Send, to you.”  The word lecha, to you, at first glance seems redundant, already contained in the word Shlach. Possibly it serves to make the command more emphatic.  But possibly the word indicates something inside ourselves.  The command “Shlach” is not only about going forth, but also going within, lecha.  In other words, we are admonished that we must have a core.  We need something, some kind of grounding as our center.  Otherwise we are like buildings built on sand. With no footings or core, the structure cannot stand.  The shifting sand underneath will make it collapse.

This grounding is a central issue of we the Baby Boomer generation.  We may or may not practice a faith or even believe in God.  But the fundamental questions are there nonetheless.  We grapple with the existential questions about meaning and purpose in our lives.

The Synagogue can be a place where we can explore these issues with others.  We are not alone in our quest; there is a body of wisdom that can guide us, and that is Judaism.  The synagogue is traditionally built on three pillars.  It is a house of worship, a house of gathering and a house of learning.   So the opportunity to be in community and learn how others have approached the questions we have is part of the fundamental mission.  The synagogue is not just a place to go pray.  It is a place to build relationships.  That was how I found myself where I am today.

I wanted a place to be with others.  After a while away, I missed having things Jewish in my life.  So I sought a place to be with community.  For me it began on a Friday evening, as that was a good night to find someone in a synagogue.  The rabbi approached me after services and we went back to his study to chat some more.  Over his desk was the lance from his time onstage performing in “The Man of LaMancha.”  “A ‘Song and Dance Man’” I thought to myself, “this could be interesting.”  And thus began my reentry into synagogue life.  I made new friends and became actively involved.

I worked on social action issues and started making Friday night a special evening of dinner with friends and being in community to reflect and enjoy.  I ate at the Oneg Shabbat, worked on planning and ate the snacks, started the Mitzvah Day project and planned the barbeque; I even sang and eventually was a pinch hitter for the Cantor or Rabbi.  I made friends and I even created family.   It was a wonderful time and the launching point for something more.  For me, I realized that the beauty and wisdom of the Jewish tradition created a very meaningful understanding of life. Having it provides a comfort and guide in times of trouble and a community to share both good times and bad.

Judaism became something I wanted not only for myself, but something I wanted to share with others.  And here I am, a newly minted rabbi hoping to continue and share the traditions that have proved himself or herself so valuable for so many for so long.

End-of-life planning has the aspects we all know about – have you written a will? Does your family know what to do in case of a medical or financial emergency if you are incapacitated? While these are all key aspects of end-of-life planning, personal legacy building is another important facet to diminishing the pain and stress of your family after your passing.

Legacy building refers to the passing down not of material assets, but of personal values, hopes for the future, and messages of love to later generations. One way to do this is through an ethical will: a collection of the values, memories, and lessons learned throughout your life. Although you may have a pretty good idea of what these are, sometimes it helps to have a template to guide you in the process of writing it.

AfterSteps is an online tool that makes it easy for you to share important documents – both legal and personal, with three verifiers upon your passing. You can upload your ethical will along with any manner of other important personal documents: your family tree, a family recipe or tradition you’d love to see kept going, records of military service and others. Your verifiers are guaranteed delivery of anything you add to the website – and it has a checklist of sorts, so you can see, both personally and legally, how well-prepared for your passing you’ve left your family.

AfterSteps also gives your verifiers access to a few key documents they may need before you pass, including medical and financial power of attorney, as well as a living will or advance directive. These are especially important because they’ll help your family make difficult decisions in the case that you’re unable to make them for yourself.

Preparing for end-of-life with family is one of the most important conversations you can have – knowing what your wishes are, and how you want to be remembered helps to reduce their pain and stress during an otherwise difficult time. Remember, though, end-of-life planning isn’t just about wills and estates, it’s also making sure that your family, friends and loved ones remember you, and the things that were important to you.

Hecht Investment Group team members are (from left): Peter R. Hecht, CFP® ; Steven T. Ries; and John Conners.

 
Boomer Generation Radio airs on WWDB-AM 860 every Tuesday at 10 a.m., and features news and conversation aimed at Baby Boomers and the issues facing them as members of what Rabbi Address calls “the club sandwich generation.” You can hear the show live on AM 860, or streamed live from the WWDB website.

Subscribe to the RSS feed for all Jewish Sacred Aging podcasts.

Subscribe to these podcasts in the Apple iTunes Music Store.

I visited them as they began their recovery from the latest health challenge. We sat and spoke of the coming days of recovery and the associated challenges. Gradually, however, after we exhausted the usual pleasantries and latest medical opinion, we moved on to some reflective conversation.

These women discussed, in their own way, a philosophy of life that saw the world and their place in it, as always open to blessing and challenge. They had also arrived at the stage in their life when they knew that they did not need to prove anything to anyone; that they “owed” nothing to anyone. Life had made sure of that!

I imagine they could have been excused if they had decided that life was giving them too many challenges and their decision would be to turn inward. Not them, however. They discussed the temptation to look  back on life and to focus on the “what might have been”, instead of giving thanks for the “what is”. In fact, one of these vital women looked straight into my eyes and, with tubes running out of her and monitors attached, said “I am  blessed”.

What is it that makes people, of any age, see the world as exciting and open to the possible, instead of a place of regret and disillusionment? Is it genetics, or one’s family of origin? The debates over this question rage on. What the lesson for us, as the generation of the children of these women, is that there is little value in living in a land that is defined by regret. As one of them said to, it does me no good to look back and dwell on the past. I cannot change that. I can only move forward.

So, I wanted to take this lesson and wrap it in a thought that struck me in a very profound way. I must admit, I downloaded the following from a Facebook post  many months ago. I was reminded of it when I spoke with these women and it may be a nice thought to propel us into the summer.

“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.
So, love the people who treat you right and forget about the one’s who don’t.
And believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it!
Nobody said it would be easy; they just promised it would be worth it!”

Shalom,

Rabbi Richard F. Address, D.Min

The “wonder wall” can help locate lost items. – FT Photo

You can read the article at the FT’s website (free registration required).

Then one sunny day in mid-March, as I was savoring the view out of one of my windows, I noticed something very odd: One screen that had been repaired before winter seemed to be missing the entire width plus four inches high of screening material! The mesh was literally gone! I ran around to all the windows and noticed the same emptiness of several other screens! How could this be? These were second and third story windows so I didn’t think anyone was trying to break in!

Sandy Taradash

I investigated outside, looking up and finding nothing that would give me any idea as to what happened to these screens. I was so perplexed! The following weekend my nine-year-old granddaughter—one of those kids who is nine going on 39!— spent a couple of nights with me and I showed her the missing mesh. She looked up at me and gave me a commanding look of “Follow me,” and, of course, I did, to the outside.

She stood in a very intense stance, looking up and around, walking from here to there around the court-yard where the windows faced, examining closely the trees and bushes, easements around the exterior of the building and rain gutters coming down the side of the condo. She looked like she knew what she was doing, with a thought in tow, so I kept quiet because I had no clue what was going on in her very clever mind.

After a few minutes she came up to me and said, with that look and word I still don’t get, “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, Butzee, you have a bird problem. The birds have taken the mesh and used it for nesting materials. Look at all the nests they’ve built around here!”

As we looked at the many nests, I also looked for dead birds who could have chocked on the mesh! None! Shayna said, “Butzee, they weren’t eating the mesh, just pulling it out and carrying it to their nesting place, building a home for their babies.” Hmmmmm, seems reasonable and I felt like a dummy. In fact, we saw one nest with mama bird sitting on the eggs and papa bird hovering over her.

About a month later, I listened to a friend whose daughter had gotten married, moved to another state and seems to have let the mother-daughter relationship lapse, and my friend is now feeling the empty-nest and very sad. For added reasons, she almost feels used by her kids who are leading their own lives and don’t seem to have the time for her now, after all the years she poured love into their day, schlepped them, washed their clothes,  paid for college and weddings.

I don’t  know why but when the conversation was over, I went outside to look at the bird’s nests Shayna had discovered. They were pretty much gone, a few egg shells and mesh and nested leaves on the ground or stuck between the rain gutter and the building. A small memory of what was, a little family that now had flown the nest, all on their own to live out their days.

Wow! Remembering the feeling of my friend, I realized how cyclical life is, one day our birds, I mean our babies, are our focus while we are dedicated to their care and well being and then, poof! They go off to make their way in the world, leaving us to do the same! And in there lies the rub!

How do we suddenly start our lives all over to adjust to our empty nests? We may look forward to it when we are waiting up on prom night for them to come home but after a short time, it is a sudden shock to not have to do all the daily “stuff” we once did for our kids! Given a choice, who wouldn’t rather cook for one or two vs a big family every day, or do only a couple loads of wash vs lots? But the symbolism of the bird’s nests and our own loving homes that we’ve worked so hard to create is heavy. It puts our lives in a different perspective. Do we now take stock of what we’ve done over the last 18-20 plus years and have to reinvent what we do for the next 20-30 years?

Lots of people adjust and find new beginnings with their spouse, friends, hobbies, travel, completing their bucket list. But I know too many people who don’t have a spouse or significant other, not as much money as they had hoped to in the later years and so many who cannot retire as planned and have to continue working. Wow! Often life just doesn’t go according to plan, regardless of how hard you try!

When I saw that the nests and birds were gone, just as my own kids are and who are soaring to their fates, I was very sad as to how fast our lives fly by, though feeling blessed that I’m one of the lucky ones who has all three kids living within 10 minutes of me. I was then struck how the week before my grandson and I had a date to go buy his suit for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah this summer.

Photo used under Creative Commons license from John Spade

I called him on his cell phone to remind him that I’d be picking him up for our trip to Macy’s and then lunch. His response was, “Sorry Butzee, I’m too tired to go with you, I was out late last night at a Bar Mitzvah reception.” “But Jacob, that’s what you said last weekend and it’s Macy’s last big sale day! Your Bar Mitzvah is in six weeks! I’ll take you to your favorite malt shop for lunch afterwards!” “Alllllllllllll right, if I have to!”

It’s my 13 year old grandson and I’m already feeling an empty nest!

Then I suddenly remembered a Chinese poem I had once read and wrote down:

Last year during the family reunion, the lanterns shone as bright as daylight.
When the moon climbed on the trees’ top, lovers met each other in the twilight.
This year during the family reunion, while the moon and the lanterns are still here, last year’s persons are nowhere to be seen.
All that’s left are the tears wetting the sleeves of my spring garments.

And then there is, what is to me, a poem that keeps life in perspective, my favorite Jewish poem:

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the sun….Ecclesiastes 3:1.

Oy vay! What’s a Baby Boomer Bubbe to do? Right now, for me, it’s time to go and watch an episode of Modern Family!

Boomer Generation Radio airs on WWDB-AM 860 every Tuesday at 10 a.m., and features news and conversation aimed at Baby Boomers and the issues facing them as members of what Rabbi Address calls “the club sandwich generation.” You can hear the show live on AM 860, or streamed live from the WWDB website.

Subscribe to the RSS feed for all Jewish Sacred Aging podcasts.

Subscribe to these podcasts in the Apple iTunes Music Store.

From the TED Talks page:

Thinking about death is frightening, but planning ahead is practical and leaves more room for peace of mind in our final days. In a solemn, thoughtful talk, Judy MacDonald Johnston shares 5 practices for planning for a good end of life.

Bio for Judy

By day, Judy MacDonald Johnston develops children’s reading programs. By night, she helps others maintain their quality of life as they near death. (Read more of Judy’s bio here.)

Judy’s side project is Good [End of] Life, a web resource that encourages people to discuss their end of life desires with their loved ones.

The bill, A3328, would be similar to legislation in Oregon, which would allow for a terminally ill patient to end his or her life.

Read Rabbi Address’s thoughts on the legislation on the Trenton Times website here.

What do you think about the death with dignity movement?

Leave your comments below on this important issue.